I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im holly from the hills drunk
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
