we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
