woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
