my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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