Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
