she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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