he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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