ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
