I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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