I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
