I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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