His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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