im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just threw up on my dentist
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
