we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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