ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
