I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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