I am spending my child support on dildos
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
