So drunk its hurt
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
