I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
