Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize