hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
