I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
vagina is talking i cant
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize