that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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