The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
