legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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