Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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