I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
