I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
