just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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