just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
