I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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