Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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