My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
