I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
