you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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