please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
