What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
