I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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