How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
