Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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