this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
