my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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