who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
