i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Boobs speak an international language.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I need water and some morals
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
