But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
They are going to name an STD after you.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
