my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
handjob tips. give me some.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
