Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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