The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
