Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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