No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
