I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
