Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
