My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i need some magic done to my vagina
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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