we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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