I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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