You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
