new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
