I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
